The Three Conversations You Need To Have Before You Become Parents
I’ve had the joy of speaking on The Baby Show Live Stage amongst other incredible parenting experts a couple of times in recent years. My mission during those talks has been to provide real, actionable value to first-time parents, to help them prepare their relationship for parenthood. I only have 30 minutes on stage, so it certainly isn’t an exhaustive list of all the things I recommend (you need to take my Pre-Baby Bootcamp course for that)! But I distill down just three conversations I suggest you have ASAP in your pregnancy journey, plus some useful resources to help you get those discussions going. Here’s a summary of what I cover.
How Can We Set Ourselves Up for Communication Success?
A huge part of my work with couples revolves around communication, so I already know a lot of tools that help with it. But in the whirlwind of early parenthood and exhaustion, even I found it difficult to access those tools when I needed them. What I wish we’d done was prepare for the essentials:
When to talk
When and how to stop talking
How to repair if things go pear-shaped
wHEN DO WE HAVE OUR BEST CONVERSATIONS?
To set yourselves up for success, try this exercise: Sit down together and draw three columns—"worse," "neutral," and "better"—and list when you each have your best conversations. Consider factors like being well-rested, distracted, sitting in the car, outside the home, on a walk, or while cooking. Then compare your lists and figure out the best circumstances for productive discussions. Timing and setting inevitably impact how well a conversation will go. For example, don’t bring up your frustration about household chores late at night when you're both exhausted. Instead, suggest a morning walk to talk about it—it will lead to a much better outcome.
How do we close out an unproductive conversation in a connected and respectful way?
Another key skill is knowing when to stop a conversation, especially when it’s going nowhere. Decide now on a phrase or a hand signal that you can use to respectfully end a conversation. For instance, my husband, Jacques, and I didn’t need to discuss sleep training at 3 AM when we were both exhausted. If we had set up a way to close out discussions without disconnecting—like simply touching toes in bed and agreeing to revisit it in the morning—it would have been incredibly beneficial.
What do we need from each other when we repair?
Finally, conflict is inevitable in all long-term relationships, but mastering repair can actually increase connection. I recommend watching Dr. Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk on repair. While it's about repairing with children, the concepts apply to all relationships. You can also list what helps and hinders repair in your relationship. For example, do you appreciate physical affection, verbal assurances, or a genuine acknowledgment of the impact? On the flip side, does rehashing the details or storming off make things worse? Having this discussion now can help you navigate future conflicts more smoothly.
How Can We Maximize Our Sleep and Rest?
Sleep and rest are crucial for mental well-being, so prioritizing them in parenthood is essential. We knew we’d be tired, but I hadn’t fully appreciated the importance of "rest"—especially breaks from being “on” as parents.
What are your “restorative habits”?
A game-changing conversation in our fourth trimester revolved around our micro-rests. I used to get irritated when Jacques would take ages in the bathroom, feeling like he was escaping while I held down the fort. Then I realised that my long showers had become my tiny, easily accessible escape. When we talked about it, we recognised that we both needed these moments. Instead of seeing them as selfish, we began to protect and support each other’s “restorative habits”. These small moments - whether it’s a shower, a cup of tea alone, or reading an article on your phone while sat on the loo - help keep you grounded.
Which of the ‘7 Types of Rest’ do we anticipate needing, and how can we support each other in accessing them?
Understanding the 7 Types of Rest would have been a game-changer. After having my daughter, Remy, I felt exhausted no matter how much I slept. Looking back, I needed mental rest (a break from baby-related thoughts), creative rest (a change of scenery), and social rest (time with other adults). Discussing what types of rest you each might need and how you can support one another in getting them is invaluable.
What’s our plan for navigating nights? What’s important to us as a family, and what are the signs that we need to adjust?
Lastly, set up a nighttime care plan that works for your family. Will you take shifts? Will one person get up while the other gets uninterrupted sleep? The key is not to let your plan become rigid. We started with an agreement, but as time passed, it became unbalanced, leading to resentment. Regularly revisiting and adjusting your plan ensures that neither of you bears an unfair load.
How Can We Share the New Load in Parenthood Fairly?
Who’s doing what, when, and for how long?
Dividing responsibilities in detail before the baby arrives can prevent a lot of resentment. Many experts recommend that one person takes full ownership of a task—conception, planning, and execution—rather than splitting it up and both having to work on it. A useful tool is Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play cards that help you to see exactly what each of you are carrying. But I’m also a fan of a different take on division of labour entirely, which doesn’t aim for equality at all. Instead it encourages cultivating ‘radical generosity’ in your relationship so you can function more as a team and less like adversaries. Check out The 80/80 Marriage if this sounds interesting to you!
Crucially, also discuss for how long these roles apply. When Remy was born, Jacques was “Chief of Poo” for the first two weeks, but when he returned to work, responsibilities naturally shifted. Many couples forget to renegotiate these shifts over time, leading to one partner unintentionally carrying an unfair load.
What are our ‘minimum standards’?
A key conversation here is around “minimum standards.” If one of you thinks a proper dinner means a home-cooked meal while the other is fine with a sandwich, the person responsible for meals could end up feeling frustrated that their efforts are always criticised and undermined - despite taking ownership of the task. Agreeing on shared expectations ahead of time reduces conflict. Additionally, in the early postpartum period, consider where you can recalibrate your standards to free up time for bonding with your baby. Maybe a quick tidy-up is enough instead of a spotless home.
What, if anything, can we outsource or get support with?
Finally, explore what can be outsourced or simplified. Could you set up grocery deliveries? Arrange for a cleaner? Ask a family member for extra support? Small adjustments—like setting household supplies on a subscription—can remove unnecessary friction in your daily life.
Preparing for a baby is about more than choosing a pram or decorating a nursery. The real preparation happens in these conversations. By setting yourselves up with communication strategies, prioritising rest, and fairly sharing responsibilities, you’ll be laying the groundwork for a smoother and more connected transition into parenthood. But these three conversations are only the tip of the iceberg. To really prepare your relationship, take a look at my Pre-Baby Bootcamp course which gets you and your partner talking about all the important stuff, in a proactive and empowering way.
Want more practical steps? Download my Ultimate Parenthood Prep Checklist to get your hands on my thoughtfully crafted Google Sheets, filled with practical tasks and genius tips. Plus you’ll also receive conversation prompts to fortify your relationship to conquer the challenges ahead.
